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“Because of our childhoods we’re good at these jobs. Downs notes the high numbers of gay men working as stylists, hairdressers and fashion designers.
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These can be seen as inauthentic compensations for the rejection we felt as children. Less problematic gay issues, but ones that struck a deep chord with me, include the unusually sophisticated knowledge of superficial cultures – pop music, fashion or film, for example – among many gay men. “They may then become habitual users of that anaesthetic.” “If you give people in pain an anaesthetic they make use of it,” says Tim Franks, from the British gay charity Pace.
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We put on this TV picture and what we show is: ‘I’m proud to be gay.’ Underneath that, we might be dying inside.”ĭowns identifies a litany of compulsions as adult manifestations of “velvet rage”. “Gay pride is an adaption,” he says, “a way of dealing with something we can’t deal with.
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Therapist David Smallwood, who is the former head of addiction treatment at the Priory, and a blunt-speaking recovering alcoholic, goes one step further. The next phase of gay history, I believe, is for us to come to terms with creating a culture that is livable and comfortable.”ĭowns’s belief is shared by other mental-health professionals. To try to achieve that really makes us miserable. The expectation is that you have the beautiful body, that you have lots of money, that you have a beautiful boyfriend with whom you have wonderful, toe-curling sex every night… none of us have that. “We have created a gay culture that is, in most senses, unlivable. Winfrey took the book home and became one of The Velvet Rage’s first and most powerful advocates.ĭowns’s argument is that feelings of worthlessness can be created in childhood quite unintentionally, and these lead gay adults to search for an unachievable perfection. She picked up a copy of the book in the aftermath and begged Oprah to put the author on the couch. Downs’s invitation, as he understands it, came after the boyfriend of one of the show’s producers left her for a man. And his appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show hasn’t hurt his cause. The Velvet Rage was first published in 2005, but it has been a slow-burn success – in each of his royalty statements Downs has noticed that sales have markedly increased. It is a controversial theory, but for a book whose only marketing campaign has been word of mouth, it is having a profound impact.
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“This anger pushes me at times to overcompensate and try to earn love and acceptance by being more, better, beautiful, more sexy – in short, to become something I believe will make me more acceptable and loved.” “Velvet rage is the deep and abiding anger that results from growing up in an environment when I learn that who I am as a gay person is unacceptable, perhaps even unlovable,” he explains. Man orders fifth pint at the bar: “It’s OK, it’s just my velvet rage.” Boyfriend finds partner trawling through the thousands of profiles on sex-on-demand website Gaydar: “But it’s my velvet rage.”ĭowns coined the phrase to refer to a very specific anger he encountered in his gay patients – whether it was manifested in drug abuse, promiscuity or alcoholism – and whose roots, the book argues, are found in childhood shame and parental rejection. Its snappy title is slipping, sometimes ironically, into the gay lexicon.